I turned the BIG 4-0 in April this year, and much that followed has proven true to be the typical events joked about when becoming "over the hill"...
*extreme womanly bleeding month after month (started in January)
*crown to help deteriorating fillings from youth, turned into a double root canal
(might I add that this was the first crown and first root canal for me)
*first car accident for our first teenage driver
*more extreme bleeding, followed by intense pain, almost passing out, which led to 911 call and ER trip
*tube removal surgery for one of our daughters
*pulling out the "big guns" (hormone replacement therapy), to help keep me alive, which I've been so utterly against as a practicing Catholic and open to life throughout our whole marriage
*hysterectomy next, and saying "goodbye" to my womb that has held and nourished and was the first home to my nine beautiful Young ones
*pain in side and ovarian blood clot 2 months later
*blood thinners to dissolve such clot (to keep me alive, once again)
*not being able to hold my LAST baby for 12 weeks to allow myself to heal from my hysterectomy
*needing to "play it safe" and try to avoid a head injury (to stay alive) these next 3 months (not that I'm the crazy adventurous types, but the clumsy type that can get hurt with the most stupid things)
And those are just the physical sufferings.
The emotional sufferings have been just as present - rejection, loneliness, gossiped about, being judged, forgotten, left out.
So one may ask... how can a loving God do all this? I'm a good person, right? Why must I, one who loves and follows Christ, be continually knocked down both emotionally and physically and allowed to suffer like this?
A good friend reminded me through this all, that I am bearing the wounds of Christ and serving as a suffering soul for Him.
So, although I'm feeling weak and tired and fragile and broken and a big MESS,....
I know that Christ loves me.
I know He's with me.
I know He will give me the grace to take one day, one step at a time.
I know He knows the bigger picture and why all of these things are necessary.
I know He will take my sufferings and help ME bear and carry them.
I know He knows.
I know He sees.
I know He loves.
And, I love Him back. I trust Him with all this. I pray for all those who has sent intentions and offer these sufferings up as prayer for them. I have faith that better days are yet to come. And until then, I will choose to smile and do my best to find JOY in these days of suffering.
++Jesus, I trust in You++
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**I wanted to share this post, not to be a downer, but to show the reality of suffering and pain. With social media, people can fall into the trap of only showing the fun, celebrations, joy and fluff, but we all know that life isn't all that. There are definitely "lows" in life. And this is just a look at my sufferings and lows and my take on them. Life could be much much worse. I am alive and breathing and walking right now, and so are my hubby and kids. God has been so very good to us, so stay tuned to the 1000 Gifts he has continually sent our way this year too...**
